Welcome to the latest installment of 'The Further Adventures of Jane.' For those of you just joining us, I'm Jane and this is my column -- hence the gaudy title graphic. This month, I'm going to tackle some feedback and other interesting comments that I've gotten over the past month. If you'd like to contact me, drop me some e-mail; I look forward to hearing from you! Now, let's get started...

Dear Jane,

   I need some help. Last night I was denied, shot down, and stepped on in a very rude way. While I was shopping for CDs at Blockbuster Music, When it came time to check out, I realized that the girl running the register was quite attractive. As she scanned the CD, she told me, "You have your own pen and a decent taste in music; that's better than most guys can do." I do, as a matter of principle, carry my own pen with me. I took this as a subtle hint. However, I walked away and got pissed at myself for not having asked her out.

   Later, I made a sorry excuse to my friends and went back to the store, ready to try again. I picked up the movie Nine Months as an excuse to have something to buy. I took it to the counter, handed it over to the girl to be scanned, and signed the VISA receipt with my own pen. After doing so, I asked, "Do you think I could use my own pen to write down your phone number?" She looked at me blankly and said, "Why?" At this point, I was thinking, 'Why would she ask why? Do random guys walk up to her and ask for her phone number so they can call her and perform a survey? What the hell?' Anyway, I responded, "It would be nice to call you and ask you out." Here comes the bad part. She said, "I'm from out of town." Could this be true? Am I so bad that a girl will not admit to living in the same city limits with me? I don't understand. Where did I go wrong?

   I suppose I could open up with a 'Jane sez...' intro and wrap up with an unnecessarily sarcastic response like my esteemed fellow staffers might do, but I'll approach this question maturely.

   I think your problem, Brandon, may very well lie in your methods. Just because a girl gives you a compliment and smiles at you doesn't mean that she's ready to head off on a fun-filled date with you. This isn't Singled Out, after all. And, although I respect a man with good taste in music and his own writing implement as much as the next gal, neither attribute is exactly a requirement for my ideal soul mate. It could be time to face facts, Brandon; your cashier friend may have just been making pleasant conversation with you.

   What makes me cringe even more is the fact that you used a pick-up line. When are guys going to learn that pick-up lines do not impressive the fairer sex? To borrow from Trisha Jones, girls aren't looking for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. We would much prefer you struck up a decent conversation with us instead of trying to impress us with your clever witticisms. Pick-up lines only work in movies and really bad sitcoms. If a girl is interested in you, you won't need to spring some clever derivative of, "What's your sign?" Let me share a little anecdote with you that pertains to this situation.

   Just a couple of weeks ago, I went out to a local club for a little fun. I had been having a pretty good time with a few of my friends, trying to enjoy the limited nightlife my area has to offer. While I was over at the bar getting a drink, a guy apparently from a local university saddled up beside me. Now, this guy was quite cute and as I glanced over at him, I couldn't help but give a little smile. I seemed to have caught his attention as well, from the looks of things. Then, he opened his mouth and things went sour. I realize this many seem totally unrealistic, but this guy actually looked me in the eye and asked, "Is it easier to get into that skirt or out of it?"

    My response? I simply laughed at him and walked off. What exactly did the guy expect me to do? I could not believe anyone would actually say something as neanderthalic as that to amuse and/or impress another thinking human being. Would any self-respecting female actually carry on a conversation with someone who approached her in such a manner? I certainly wouldn't. Furthermore, his line suggested that I would be ready to drop my panties for him at first sight. I'm sorry, Mr. Frat Boy, but it doesn't work that way in the real world.

   Girls want honesty. Surprise us with your charm, your intellect, or your compassion; don't try to impress us with something snippet of humor that sounds like it was lifted from Leisure Suit Larry. In your case, Brandon, it wasn't nearly as bad as the story I told, of course. At least your pick-up line was original, relevant, and not nearly as crass as the one with which I was confronted. All told, the moral of this story is twofold. First, don't start shopping for an engagement ring just because a girl smiles at you. Second, try striking up a real conversation the next time a girl catches your eye; you might be surprised where it gets you. We girls are real people, just like you guys (some might even argue more so) -- not just another conquest. Besides, Brandon, no girl is going to want to go out with a guy that owns a copy of Nine Months in the first place.

Dear Jane,

   God, you're hot. I want you. . . Could I have a pair of your underwear? By the way, I think you are a true riot grrrl.

   Come on, Kyle; we work together! You know how intraoffice romances always turn out. Before long, your stuff will start crossing over with TFAOJ and all hell will break loose. Let's just try staying friends, okay? On a side note, you might want to read the above letter for some pointers on your come-on lines. 'Could I have a pair of your underwear?' Sheesh!

   Well, that about does it for this month in the Further Adventures of Jane. Be sure to check back next time for some more great fun. In the meantime, drop me a line via e-mail at janeop@cyberspace.org. Until then, all the best!