You hear the strangest things from the strangest people when you spend 40 to 50 hours a week standing behind a bar in a suburban pub.  I've seen grown men come to blows over children's television, I've heard arguments over how kettles actually work, and in between all the usual arguments about the local football teams, the religious divide which blights this fair city, and the social problems caused by a government which we, the people, recently UN-elected, I find the drunken masses look to me, the bartender, as the source of all wisdom.

    I'm an ordinary man. I'm 25 years of age, and father of an 18-month-old daughter.  I live about an average a life as it's possible to live.  I struggle by with the mortgage payments, and I suffer from the same human frailties as all of you.  However, I am also a bartender, and as the sole island of sobriety in a sea of drunks, I am afforded the wisdom of Solomon.

    "What do you make of this abortion row?"
    "Who was the first post-war Prime Minister?"
    "Who scored the winning goal in the 1982 European Cup final?"

    People ask me questions like that, day in, day out.  The strangest thing is, I can answer them all. In the years I've been doing this job, I've gathered the world's most extensive library of useless information and trivia, all stored for the inevitable moment when someone will ask me the average velocity at which mucous is expelled when sneezing.

    The bartender does so much more than merely dispense drinks.  He is equal parts psychologist, psychiatrist, confession priest, diplomat and encyclopaedia.  From this side of the bar, all life is visible.  Sometimes it's beautiful.  Sometimes it's hideously ugly.  But it's always interesting.

FILE UNDER 'SLEAZY LISTENING' -- Apparently now in the shops, albeit in a 'limited range' of shops, is sexy underwear which can be plugged into the stereo.
 
   'Tingle Pants', which have a speaker in the crotch and give both men and women a sexual thrill, have been branded the most pointless invention ever.  Now where did I leave that Motorhead CD...

A LITTLE TOO SPICY -- Five Spice Girl lookalikes were ordered to cover up before a recent performance in Dubai. Officials said the British girls' costumes were in breach of local morality laws.

   Leaving aside the most puzzling aspect, why do we even NEED a Spice Girls tribute group, one has to wonder just WHY anyone who has ever seen the Spice Girls would knowingly book them to appear in a place like Dubai?

   Their musical integrity, perhaps? Just a thought...

HERE COMES THE CAVALRY -- One from the 'Well it made ME smile' file. Line dancing is the latest craze to sweep pubs and clubs all over Scotland.  From Aberdeen to Ayr, from Glasgow to Galashiels, middle-aged would-be Hanks and Dollys are lining up (no pun intended) in stetsons and snakeskins to learn the 'Tush Push' and the 'Texas Two-step'.  The following incident is entirely
factual, I assure you, although the names have been changed to protect the ignorant.

   Father and Son are standing at the bar.  Father is ridiculing Son's attire.  Son is wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap (turned backwards for full effect, naturally), a Chicago Bulls t-shirt and Bulls design Bermuda shorts, and basketball boots.  Father makes much of Son's love of Americana, given that they're standing at a bar in Glasgow, Scotland.  He goes on to talk about the importance of one's own culture and heritage, and finishes by telling Son how ridiculous he looks.

   That same night, Son returns to the bar, where the "Montana Country & Western Club" is in full swing.  Son orders his drink, and turns around to see Father, resplendent in ten-gallon hat, embroidered shirt with silver sheriff star, leather chaps and cowboy boots.  Father looks puzzled as Son laughs like a drain.

   It is, as they say, a funny old world.