With the glut of films in theaters
today, it is extremely difficult to decide
which films are actually worth the effort to go and see. However, next year
promises to be a tremendous year for the film industry. Directors and
producers are taking the hints from the Academy Awards from the past two
years to concoct the ultimate line-up of films for the Summer '98 season.
The first film that came to our attention was The American Patient. It stars actor Jack Palance as a wise cracking gang leader in L.A. who is shot in a drive-by. During his hospital stay, he falls in love with the nurse who helps him rehabilitate. They later are married and move into a trailer park. Here, Palance's character stays continually drunk and beats his wife regularly. Eventually he is shot down by the LAPD during a domestic disturbance call in which he pulls a gun on his wife and the police. The American Patient is rated PG-13.
The next film on our list is Ewe-rassic Park.
This film addresses the evils
of cloning sheep. It stars singer Michael Bolton as the fanatical scientist
Dr. Bubba. Dr. Bubba uses sheep DNA to create a theme park populated by
large flesh eating sheep. The sheep then run amuck throughout the park. In a
related film, Bolton will play an Air Force lieutenant in the upcoming sheep
cloning film Lamb-dependence Day: The Day We Fight
BAAAAAAAHHHCK.
Both Ewe-rassic Park and Lamb-dependence Day are rated R.
The cream of the crop next year will probably be our next film. Shining Minds is a drama set in the inner city during the Civil War era. It is about an insane piano player/ex-marine/teacher. The lead character, Scarlet (played by United States Attorney General Janet Reno), tries to teach a group of inner-city youth that insanity does not impair talent. The plot thickens when a cyborg from the 532nd century named Talgot (played by Pope John Paul) tries to eliminate Scarlet in an effort to conquer the globe. However, Scarlet and Talgot fall in love. The plot takes a strange twist when Union soldiers burn down the school building and Talgot leaves Scarlet. The soundtrack will feature a heartwarming rendition of "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" performed by blues legend BB King. Shining Minds is rated PG.
Our final film will probably take home
many Oscars next year. It is light-hearted
children's romp entitled Secrets and The Reaper of Souls.
It was
shot on location in Oxford, England. The plot concerns a divorcee and her
mother discussing how to steal the soul of her ex-husband. The lead actress
will be British royalty star Princess Diana. Di's character makes a deal
with
Bartolome: He Who Possesses the Sphere of Lightning. Di uses the powers of
Bartolome to turn into a three-eyed demon named Bolgometh. She then
unleashes
a giant rip in the time continuum to let loose dinosaurs upon the earth. The
dinosaurs then devour all of the inhabitants of the Earth except for
Bolgometh and her ex-husband. Bolgometh then bites into the throat of her ex
and drinks out his blood until he crumples like a used up pack of Capri-Sun
fruit drink. The heartwarming love story is brought into contemporary
reality
at this point when an alien species unleashes a death ray that vaporizes the
dinosaurs along with Bolgometh. The film, thus, closes with a "no harm, no
foul" kind of ending. Secrets and The Reaper of Souls is rated G.
Due to the overwhelming number of films, it is impossible to preview them all. Such films as Jim Carrey's Hamlet and Dennis Rodman's Disney film 101 Dalmations II speak for themselves. So, choose carefully; the film you watch might be a winner.
| "Evil" Doug Smith |