The staff of Verbosity is always hearing people talking about conspiracies, cover-ups, Area 51, and the latest episode of X-Files. It would seem that pop culture has caught a severe case of the conspiracy bug. However, as journalists, we're able to look at these matters objectively. You can talk all you want about alien autopsies and secret plots; we know what the real conspiracies are.
On September 7, 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur was gunned down and died six days later. Or, at least that's what the liberal media tells us. It turns out that almost undoubtedly, the rapper is still alive. Countless clues surround his supposed murder -- all pointing to Tupac's continued existence. First of, there's his post-humous release, Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory, released under the pseudonym Makaveli. Machiavelli was a fifteenth century political philosopher, who included in his plots for survival faking one's own death to deceive your enemies. Then, there's the numerology surrounding Tupac's death, centering around the number seven. For instance,
The evidence is there. Tupac faked his death and is clearly still alive. Just wait and see...
- Shakur was gunned down seven months following the release of All Eyez on Me.
- He was shot on September 7 and died September 13. This lapse of time points to the seven day theory.
- His age at the time of the supposed death adds up to seven (25 = 2 + 5 = 7).
- Even the time of Tupac's death (4:03) totals seven (4 + 0 + 3 = 7).
The Heliocentric Conspiracy
Chances are you've heard of this foul conspiracy in various classes throughout your school career. For centuries and centuries, the world had operated under the assumption that the Earth was the center of the universe -- so arranged by God -- and that everything else revolves around it. Then, along came people like Copernicus and Galileo who said, "No! The sun is the center of the solar system. The Earth revolves around it and -- are you ready for this? -- also rotates on an axis." Anyone who's ever been outside at night can clearly see that the stars are all around the Earth, as is the moon and the visible planets. If we're really not the center of the universe, why can we see the entire thing? Obviously, this conspiracy, in place for centuries, has been perpetrated by aliens, planning to attack in the near future. These aliens seek to make the Earth their homeworld, due to its central location for ease of trade and intergalatic commerce. They began planting these "heliocentric theories" as far back as Copernicus' time in order to make us undervalue our planet and, in turn, leave it virtually undefended when they launch their inevitable attack. Don't say Verbosity didn't warn you...
The Macarena Conspiracy
Surely to goodness we're all familiar with this little ditty and its accompanying dance craze. Everyday, more and more people are being seduced into the dark grasp of this Latino song. Even President Clinton and Vice-President Gore have been spotted doing the vile Spanish hokey-pokey! What is the Macarena really? For one thing, it's certainly not Spanish, Mexican, or even Portuguese. It's pure and simple, good old fashioned Cuban Communist propaganda! The Marxist factions on this Castro-controlled island nation sent this song over to America in a bid to slowly weaken our capitalistic society through forcing all club deejays to buy copies of the oft-repeated single. In essence, they seek to make the 260 million residents of the United States (and the 400 or 500 hosers that reside in Canada) into a bunch of mindless zombies, obsessed with placing their hands on their hips and behind their heads and improvising lyrics they'll never quite understand. "Hey, Macarena!" indeed. It's more like, "Hey, Dictatorship of the Proletariat!"
Phil: The Groundhog Conspiracy
The whole Groundhog's Day event is a scam! When brought forth from his burrow, the decision of whether or not he sees his shadow is pre-determined! The mayor, or other presiding officer at the event, decides whether or not large lights will be placed near or around the burrow. By doing so, the government hopes to overpower nature and thus control the weather. The conspiracy goes much higher than just the mayoral level...it is a national cover-up. It may be inferred, though not stated directly, that a very high ranking member of society has a hand in what has come to be known as Puxsutawney Gate. When asked about the validity of Puxsutawney Gate, most "average" citizens reply with a stern, "I told you before, you sicko, stop calling my number or I'm going to the cops!" Apparantly, our research has touched a nerve. There is more to this than we first realized. We shall endeavor to delve deeper into this matter.
The Madness of Martha Stewart
Verbosity has reason to believe that Martha Stewart, professional homemaker, has been in the process for years of forming an Unholy Legion of the Night, with which she hopes to take over the world. Stewart's vision is to spread a reign of terror, through which the world will be remade in her image, with lots of nice dust ruffles to boot. These plans to conquer the world and make it "cutesy-wutesy" are detailed in soufflet recipes shared with her dark legions via her television show. Decode these egg-ridden messages of death and you've uncovered one of the world's most heinous plots.
We can't really talk much about this. You see, The Man is watching everything we do. He knows what we think. He even controls it. As a matter of fact, he's probably making us give you all these other fake conspiracies to throw you off the track from the truth. Not even The Man, however, can censor the tru--
Area 52: The Really Secret Place
We've all heard about Area 51, right? It's supposedly the "top secret" government facility in Nevada where, among other things, aliens that crashlanded in Roswell, New Mexico, have been stored for decades. That's not the real conspiracy in Nevada, though. Reliable sources point to a top, top secret base known only as Area 52. It turns out that it's a holding area for people who "find out too much" about Area 51. As soon as the information is leaked out, mysterious men in black inevitably appear, the conspiracy buff disappears, and Area 52 has one more guest.
Channel One: Mind Control Hacienda
Perhaps you're familiar with Channel One. This supposed "news network" is pumped into thousands of high schools around the country every day. Featuring cookie-cutter, multi-national youths to "inform" our students, the ten-minute program covers top news stories ranging from politics to sports. What is Channel One really up to? Mind control. The anchors and reporters are being paid by the United States government to indoctrinate a new generation of vehemently patriotic youths. In the strange, MTV-esque montages that the channel is infamous for splicing together, the discerning viewer can clearly pick out phrases such as, "America reigns supreme" and "Nationalism, Imperialism, and Statism!" As more and more schools add this terrible plague to their daily schedules, the globe is pressed closer and closer to the coming third World War.
Bill Gates' Bill Gates Conspiracy
You've probably read all of the "Bill Gates is trying to take over the world" and "Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ" theories that have been circulating around the Internet all these years. Where did all this anti-MicrosoftTM sentiment originate? From the same mind from which mammoth MicrosoftTM originated, of course! That's right -- Bill Gates himself is propagating all of the terrible rumors about himself in order to keep his name in the news. Every story about the evils of the MicrosoftTM Campus® and its facelessness, the bugs in Windows, and all those unexplained gerbil stories all came from Mr. Gates himself. Now you know.
The "Former" Soviet Union Conspiracy
Wow, wasn't it great when Soviet Russia fell? The entire world was safe for democracy and capitalism, just like everyone wanted. Right? Wrong. Communist Russia never fell, people! Go look at all the globes and maps in your school. They still say U.S.S.R., don't they? Meanwhile, the United States is dropping its defense spending to minuscule levels while the "starving Russians" continue to build their weapons cache to levels unthought of up to this point in history. How did Verbosity come across this information? We know someone who went to Russia once.
This was a joint effort of an article, entering into by the
Seth Waddell, Corey Welton, Kyle Scanlan, John Doug Smith, and Jess Morrissette.