All right, we'll admit it
-- the staff of verbosity has what you might call a slight
addiction to Quake. Now, don't get us wrong; it's not like
all of us are spending hours a day in single-player romps in
id's latest DOOM clone. On the contrary, we're taking advantage
of the lovely TCP/IP features and blasting away at such
fellow addicts as AbsoluteZero, Dowd, and Impulse 9 (who,
by the way, needs a little more practice) over the Internet. That's right,
from time to time, you'll catch Happy Phantom, Regen, and
Dei relaxing with a little bit of gratuitous violence on
Verbosity Style PointsTM
go to anyone who can match the silly nicks above with the
correct editor. Just read through all the articles in the
past four issues and analyze our personalities; the answer
should be obvious) and attempting to rack up a frag or two.
So, we figured that we owed
it to other Quake fans out there to give a few of the
warning signs of Quake addiction. If you
find yourself exhibiting any of the signs listed
below, immediately proceed to one of our five guaranteed
Quake addiction remedies. You don't want to become
a Quake addict -- trust us. Some might even suggest that
Quake is the true reason this issue was delayed slightly, but
we all know better than that, right? So, in that spirit,
verbosity brings you the...
Top Twelve Signs
You're Becoming Addicted to Quake
- You know as many commands from the Quake "console" as
you do from the DOS prompt.
- You often find yourself walking into buildings and thinking,
"Gee, this would make a great Deathmatch level!"
- You have cute -- oftentimes perverse -- little nicknames for all of
the weapons in the game.
- You have a macro that guides you through the first three levels with
- You have an extra phone line installed for the expressed purpose of
gaming. Worse still, you often refer to it as the "Quake
- If your first frag is yourself (i.e. "visiting the volcano god" or
"trying to put the pin back in"), you
restart to avoid that overly embarrassing -1 frags.
- You log on a few hours before the crowds show up, get all the weapons,
and just wait. As long as it takes.
- You close your eyes and see the Quake guy eating cocktail shrimp.
- You're in denial. "I don't really like Quake that much.
I just don't
have anything else to do." You then proceed to play for three hours
- You have function keys to change your name and colors for those
exciting "hotseat" multi-player Quake-fests.
- You frequently find yourself brewing a pot of coffee entirely for the
purpose of staying up late
to play Quake.
- You play Duke Nukem 3D because it's just so quaint.
Now, we understand that Quake addiction
can be a frightening thing. That's why we're also bringing you the first
in our series of Verbosity Self-Help ProgramsTM:
How to Beat Your Quake Addiction
Five Easy Methods
- Cold Turkey: No more Quake whatsoever! That's right --
stop playing, get it off your harddrive, and throw away the CD (or delete
the zips for all you warez puppies out there). If you
start feeling the urge to play, have a close personal friend slap you around
a bit. If that doesn't help, go find an enemy to do it. Whatever you do,
though, don't play Quake. Within a few weeks, if you can make it
through the tough adjustment period, you should be winging your way back to
a relatively normal life.
- Phasing Out: This method is a little less sudden and a little
more humane that the above Cold Turkey Method. Basically,
you begin slowly
weaning yourself off Quake a little at a time. First, you drop down
to playing an hour or so a day. Then, you start working to making it an
entire day without playing the game. In no time flat, you'll be back among
the world of the living. If you find yourself stumbling along the way, try
playing a little bit of DOOM or even Wolfenstein 3-D to help
lighten the anxiety.
- System Shock: Basically, you go and play Dark Forces for
an hour or two. We guarantee afterwards you won't want to play another
first-person shooter for the next three months.
- Total Immersion: Please note that the Total Immersion
Method can be quite risky and always runs the risk
of backfiring. In essence, you should begin to
eat, sleep, and breathe Quake. Try to play for at least eight
or nine hours straight. Never stand up. Try not to blink if possible.
Skip all non-essential meals and other
personal engagements. Continue this process for a week.
This will result in one of two possibilities. You'll
either be so fed-up with Quake that you'll never want to play again,
or you'll become even more addicted. Please remember,
exercise extreme caution when using
- The "Zombie Method": This method runs along the "scared
straight" philosophy of addiction-breaking. Basically, it's easy to
perform and frighteningly effective, though. Simply enable god mode
within Quake, place yourself in a level where a number of
zombies rise from the nasty muck. Then, turn up the speaker volume and
have a crony restrain your hands. Within mere moments, the screen will
be full of those creepy zombies, moaning and throwing their disgusting
rotting flesh at you.
Hands down, there are no scarier sounds known to man
than the groan of a Quake
zombie or the splat of a hurled decaying body part making contact with its
target. If this doesn't scare the addiction out of you, nothing
will. Chances are, the you'll never want to play Quake again after
only a few minutes of torture.
Actually, the odds are pretty good that you'll not even want to
use a computer in the near future. Mission accomplished.
So, there you have it. Both the warning
signs and treatment methods of Quake addiction. If you know anyone
suffering from this condition, please refer them to this site. If you
yourself exhibit any of the above signs, please enter treatment as soon
as possible. You can overcome your addiction; verbosity has faith
[back to verbosity]
Please don't reproduce this document without our permission.
If you do, we'll hunt you down with a Trent Reznor gun and frag