Once, in a suburb not too far or long ago
There was a man whose name was Roy.
He was a Janitor by trade, and he liked food.
Food, it's lovely thing!

Spam, the other fake ham.
So you set off geiger counters.
Why can I never consume my daily craving?
Spam for breakfast, brunch and dinner!

As Roy wandered about the grocery store,
Taking in all the lovely food,
He realized, "Ohh my, I've no money!"
Money, money, how I miss you so!

Tater tots, the main allotrope of potatoes.
You keep the entire state of Idaho financed.
Why can't you simply taste like food?
Tater tots, you're so plentiful!

Roy, having spent all his money,
Thought distraughtly about the toy,
Which he had purchased for his hamster.
Harvey, Harvey the wonder hamster!

Pizza, that use for leftovers world wide.
You are the staple of so many a college student.
Why can't you grow on trees?
Pizza, you just make my day.

Increasingly saddened, Roy ran about
Like a chicken, his head severed!
Ohh my, my oh my, I've no money for food!
Chicken, tasty, tasty fried chicken!

Dr. Pepper, far superior to Mr. Pibb.
Doctor, why can't you fix my ailing heart?
Why can't I drink you by the gallon?
Dr. Pepper, you ooze of caffeine!

He stopped in the middle of the aisle,
noticing he was in the frozen foods,
and had a complete breakdown!
Breakdown! Total, psychological collapse!

Ice Cream, the real dairy product.
You keep so many a cow employed.
Why do stores have to charge for you?
Ice Cream, you're so cool.

So the men in white came for Roy.
They took him to a place, with padded walls.
And they brought his hamster, and cheez whiz.
Padded walls! They feel so good on my forehead!

Ohh cheez whiz that wonderful substance.
You must be the perfect compound.
Why can I never eat enough of you?
Cheez whiz, the miracle food!