|
It took the C.A.O. to make Verbosity
finally hit the big time.
That's right, an interview with the man himself, the Lord Almighty,
Jehovah, King of Kings. In short, we interviewed God. (I'd liked
to have seen the old crew do that.) We thanked him profusely for his
taking the time to speak with us, and were also impressed that at the same
time he was monitoring conditions around the world, listening to
approximately 6.2 million prayers (by his count) and smiting Marilyn
Manson with hemorrhoids.
1. First of all I'd like to clear this issue once and for all. Did you create the heavens and the earth? You'd be surprised to find out how easy it is to create a universe when you are omnipotent. A little hydrogen, some energy, microwave till it starts to expand... The debate is understandable due to the vague (but clever) way I had to word it in Genesis, but, yeah, that was me.2. There are many different denominations on Earth nowadays...Which religion do you consider yourself to be? I had to be somewhat careful when all these denominations started popping up. Of course, there are those fun-loving Lutherans, those energetic Baptists, etc. I happen to have this pre-existing commitment to a few "chosen people," but I want to be fair to my Son too. I tried to compromise by hanging out with the Messianic Judeaism crowd, but now I mostly just stay home and watch Oral Roberts.3. Of all the obscure ideas that humans have about heaven, which is actualy the most accurate? Our gates are actually sort of pearly. We had them installed around 4,000 years ago when Gideon thought it up, it sounded kind of classy. Also, there's a lot fewer harps than you'd imagine. Of course, we have a few kids who play the harp for show, so the new guys don't get confused, but we have a lot more jazz and blues bars than you'd expect.4. Was Dante divinely inspred when he wrote _The Inferno_ or is he way off base? Yes, we fed him information on that project. Traditionally, we've had very bad luck with our standard Hell propoganda, but we feel that Dante's effort was fairly successful.5. Pro-Life or Pro-Choice? I'm not touching that one with a 40 foot pole.6. Men would like to know once and for all: was the Fall really Eve's fault? Are you trying to get me shot? I'm sorry, but the deal on that little bit included a non-disclosure agreement for both of us. The whole situation was a bit of a mess at the time, and we ended up getting shafted by one of the Produce Lobbies in a settlement a few years later.7. Where did you get the idea of circumcision? It seems like an odd thing to randomly decide to do. Like I said earlier, I'm under non-disclosure, but it should be sufficient to say that it was part of the deal mentioned above.8. Do you ever miss the days of sacrifices? Not really. It gets a bit tiresome having dead animals brought to you all the time. Kind of like when your cat brings you a dead mouse every Thursday night, and you smile, thank her, and quickly dispose of it.9. God, your religion has become number one in popularity in the world today. How does that make you feel? It makes me feel really great. I think I'm going to go to Disneyworld!10. What's up with the Muslims, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the Orthodox Jews? I've been wondering the same thing. They seem to be very negative and despressing most of the time... not a good way to gain popularity. They would do well to take a look at Mormon strategy, if you ask me. |